Well, news sizzling hot off the wire here at Studio Douche is the 'speculation' that our favourite young Prince William might be readying himself to tie the knot, and get cracking with the unenviable task of producing more precocious Royal brats, with none other than the Ms Kate 'Jobless' Middleton.
I wouldn't be betting my money on it, if the Paparazzi have their way! If it were me, I'd definitely avoid walking out of the revolving doors of posh restaurants, or being driven in tunnels, or wearing too much 'Royal Blue'.
So don't go buying that merchandise yet, because we at Studio Douche have come up with another design alternative, should Kate find herself trapped in a deathly 'pap-attack'.
Our attractive plate design, created by the top intern in our studio, can be pre-ordered simply by emailing us at: william&danawedding@studiodouche.com.
The hangovers from Oktoberfest have long faded away, so just to remind you, here we present a short teaser from our 'World's Longest Beer Mile' story we shot previously for The Dana Douche Show. I think it clearly demonstrates, that while beer can be fun, the adverse effects it can have on your health, dignity and ability to attract certain members of the opposite sex, cannot be ignored.
And although our beloved intern who cut this video didn't really focus on the 'journalistic' aspects of the story, I think it holds a poignant message for us all, and reinforces that stereotype we all hold dear, about Germans and their love for beer.
Prost!
x. DD
DISCLAIMER - No one enjoyed beer in moderation throughout the filming of this clip!
Here at Studio Douche we thought we should spread the news - Harald Glööckler IS the inspiration for Sascha Baron Cohen's Brüno! I tell you what, this man doesn't mind throwing his Umlauts about - if we were to write his name phonetically it would turn out something like "Harald Gloeoeckler", which is indeed a mouthful.
As our trusted celebrity sources have it, Glööckler (known for his wild lifestyle and ostentatious fashions) met with Sascha Baron Cohen prior to the shooting of Brüno, to discuss fashion and life on the fast lane. If you take a peek at our new Dana Douche Show Trailer, you'll see Glööckler complimenting me on my two-piece suit ensemble. And I have to say, after meeting them both "in the flesh", I find Herr Glööckler , whose style is truly classical and 'timeless', to be the most authentic of the two!
Well, it's been a wild ride.. so far we've exposed the dangers of alcoholism, uncovered the exploitation of women in the work place, done some 'dirty dancing', and taken Nordic Walking to a whole new level - not to mention rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous, including Elvis, Bonnie Tyler, Wolfgang Joop, Rapper 'Bushido' and the King of Beer himself, Herr Gambrinus. And now we have a little video to show for it, so please - grab some pretzels, pour yourself a G & T, and enjoy the (rather short circa 1 minute in length) trailer for the Dana Douche show.
Yours, DD
PS - It's the German version - English version coming soon!
Remember that song from the 80's - the one that went on about "turning around" and "bright eyes" and "every now and then it falls apart"? It was of course called 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' by Bonnie Tyler, and still remains a classic today.
My producer worked her magic to line me up with an interview with the Welsh star, who was as charming as she was botoxed! And we even sang the classic song together, resulting in dear Bonnie commenting on my wonderful voice. Perhaps I should take up that pop star career after all?
We also met the leader of the Bonnie Tyler German Fanclub, who we later exposed as a crazed stalker from East Germany, and with further research, realised she was in the original video of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' as one of the Ninja Dancers. Not kidding!
Yours, DD Turn around, Bright Eyes! Bonnie recommends I get a round of Botox for my problem 'frown' area I don't know how she did it, but this stalker managed to get backstage, and then went on to tell me about the wonders of botox! The nerve!
A fellow intern of mine many years ago at a local German newspaper is now in the spotlight - he's running for the Chancellorship in Germany in 2009! He wasn't the brightest spark back then, but it's funny how often the least-liked person at school becomes the most successful later in life.
I daresay if he makes it, I might even get a spot in the cabinet - I'm aiming for 'Minister of Perks', lobbying for the rights of politicians - free hors d'oeuvres, duck houses, hard liquor and unlimited chauffeur usage - to name a few. I really don't think politicians get enough free stuff, for the sacrifices they make!
Have a further look at Herr Schlämmer here (in Deutsch only!). We were at his movie Premiere after-party on Monday evening, and got to talk to some of the stars there. Typically for such a big name, Hörst was nowhere in sight - no doubt he was on his way home in the regional train in time for Mutti's curfew.
With policies like free cosmetic surgery for all, and unlimited sunbed tanning, he's definitely coming through with effective policies that will get a lot of people's votes in these celebrity-obsessed times. Three cheers for Schlämmer!
Guten Täg! Well, from the LONGEST beer mile in the world, now we go to the SMALLEST art gallery in the world! It didn't sound much in the press release, and actually, it wasn't - only 1.5 metres squared. To our surprise (and disdain), we found it was located in a porta-loo - a portable Dixie toilet! They call it the 'Smallery' (small gallery), but I'm more inclined to think it's a 'Smellery'. Really, arts funding must be really s(t)inking to an all time low, if they have to exhibit in places like these. Yours, DD
PS- We had a little altercation with Gambrinus from the Bier Mile, resulting in him 'glassing' me with his broken Belgian beer bottle - hence the band-aid on the nose! Studio Douche lawyers are on the case.
Taking a leaf out of Duchamp's book, art was displayed in this public toilet. It was quite handy, as I could relieve myself AND view the art, at the same time, meaning I spent more than the average 7 seconds looking at each artwork
It's not easy finding the Smallest Gallery in the World, but we made it in the end. I asked Curator Axel Pfenningschmidt why he wanted to display art in a toilet, and whether he thought size "really matters"
Last weekend, I just couldn't turn down the Ambassador of Belgium's offer to come and join him at the opening day of the world's LONGEST Beer Mile, even though there was not a g&t or champas in sight! His Excellency invited us to the VIP tent, where we mingled with distinguished guests such as the 'Queen of Beer' and the legendary Gambrinus (aka 'John The Fearless'), the Patron Saint of Beer and Brewing. Luckily my driver was on call, as I managed to sample at least 1,200 beers from all around the world, while at the same time, raising awareness for alcoholism and the myriad of problems associated with it.
Enjoy the pics and till next, DD
Gambrinus sings a merry song, while I enjoy the fruits of the harvest, in an idyllic European setting
I discuss with Her Majesty The Queen of Beer which alcoholic figure in the pictures, she most identifies with. Remember, as David Hasselfhoff once said - the first step to self-help, is self-realization!
His Excellency The Ambassador of Belgium and I, ponder this rare fine Belgian brew
It wasn't long though, before I was stopped by these drinking police, who had the nerve to ask me for I.D. and then insisted on humiliating me in front of all the people on the beer mile (which is actually 2.2 kilometres), by forcing me to take a breathalyser test
I now have an acquired a taste for rustic mountain cherry beer
Here's something we found at Studio Douche that we thought worthy of posting. These kitties are called 'Kitlers', and they're unwittingly competing against eachother on this website. But I wonder how a 'Kitler' behaves at home, to complete the resemblance? I mean, we still don't really know enough about cats - you never know what they're really up to - setting up totalitarian states by the heater in the lounge room, massacring millions of mice, and hatching plans in the cellar to invade Poland . Now it's proven - these soft, furry, egotistical creatures are just 'pure evil'.
No matter how professional you are, mishaps can and DO occur. From Janet Jackson's famous wardrobe malfunction at the MTV awards (that pesky nipple popping out from her bustier) to Britney Spears' 'snatch-flash' shot (an expertly angled photograph of Britney's nether regions as she made her not-so-graceful exit from her limousine) - no celebrity is safe from the lenses of malicious photographers looking to make their million for that one *scandalous* shot.
And last week I, Dana Douche, was targeted by such a Paparazzo, who succeeded in taking a shot of my rear end while bending over, as I innocently went about my reportage work. The cheek! Or in this case, two larger ones. The results are too shocking to publish on this page, so you'll have to click on this link: http://www.mein-ostdeutschland.de/photos/detail/2544/50974
The photographer in question is none other than celebrity photographer known on the red carpets as 'OPARAZZI', pictured below. 'Opa' in German means Grandpa, so you can understand the name. He's a rather cute old man, and he'd make a good Santa Claus, too.
Needless to say, my stylist was given a stern talking to for the split on the skirt, and contrary to what Oparazzi mentioned on his website (that perhaps I'd eaten a little too many burgers at the 'Hooters' opening), I am still following a strict diet regime.
While I'm on my summer break in St Tropez, I just thought I'd keep you all tantalised with some sneaky preview pictures from my wonderful encounter with Dusty Springfield, Elvis, and the bountiful Bette Midler, at the earth-moving Stars concert. The interview was a highly revealing look into the lives and complex talents of these iconic performers. Special thanks must go to Boy George for his cooperation on this story!
(By the way, I'll be meeting Antonio Banderas in the coming weeks so stay tuned - he's a nice cut of Jamon, that Antonio!)
Au revoir till next time! x DD
It's only hard-hitting journalism here, as I probe Elvis and Bette Midler on an alleged affair. I sweetened Elvis up with a packet of German sausage (classic journalistic technique, not to be confused with bribery), and he came forth with the saucy details.. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a 'chanteuse', so here's me showing them my rendition of 'Wings beneath my Wind' - the classic tear-jerking song from 'Beached'. Dusty, Elvis and Bette - die Süße!
A friend of mine who has been hopelessly single for years has now hit the jackpot and met the lady of his dreams. His secret? This book! I've been skimming over the pages for the last week, still wondering where I went wrong with my brief flirtatious encounter with Wolfgang Joop! - that leatherette lad with the private yacht on the Med, and the clothing, perfume and polo empire. Now I know exactly how to snag my 'Future Husband' with the flick of an eyelid, thanks to Joyce Jillson's pearls of wisdom.
Good old Joyce passed away in 2004, but her legend lives on in this book. Also worth a look, are Joyce's other titles 'Dog Astrology' and 'Astrology For Cats'.
We hired yet another young, impressionable and cheap intern at Studio Douche, who cut together this cute edit of the FINALE to the Nordic Shopping stunt. Raise your glasses please, for Part Two of the Nordic Shopping experience. In all seriousness, I do think it should be officially recognised as a sport. Stay tuned for the next Olympic bid!
Although I've been busy 'Nordic Shopping' away the calories through Europe's most fashionable shopping districts, I am still of the belief that 'Jazzercise' is one of the most effective exercise regimes for trimming any of that unwanted flab from problem areas.
Here's a video to get you started. These ladies have it really down pat! Get loose for heaven's sake - you don't want to get caught out with arm flab flapping about in the summer breeze, do you?
We attended the VIP Premiere last night of The Producer's, at Berlin's Admiralspalast Theatre. Not only was it a star-studded occasion, but to my surprise, the show was actually rather fabulous. It's amazing to think that Germans are finally able to play themselves, making fun of themselves,'heiling' all the while and dancing in Swastika formations! The cast (some of which I interviewed last week) received standing ovations from the audience - I think there was a tinge of emotion felt by all that Mel Brook's production had finally made it to Berlin.
On the red carpet I had cordial chats with fashion meister Wolfgang Joop (who admired my 'Bretzel' bracelet that I created especially for the event), David Bowie's ex-lover Romy Haag (who was wearing an amazing fur shoulder piece no doubt many furry animals died for), Berlin chanteuse Tim Fischer (always a charming conversationalist), and a whole array of other well-heeled folk I was ordered by my producer to chat with.
And for the first time I utilized my new and exciting reportage tool designed by my old friends at the 'Schoenberg Spy Shop' - Dana Douche's all-new, patented 'SHOE CAM' technology. You guessed it - it's a 'second view' of the red carpet - celebrities' shoes! We here at Studio Douche think it's important to show viewers what stars are wearing on their feet, and we also think one can glean just that little bit more by doing a little bit of shoe-gazing.
We're flat off our feet here (!) so please be patient with pics and video snippets. I assure you they are currently being processed with the latest technologies and will be up right here at the Dana Douche blog soon.
I'm so excited I can barely speak - next week, I've been given exclusive interviews with none other than Hitler, Elvis, and the Chrysler Building, to name a few! Yes dears, it's a star-studded week of red carpet events and cabaret shows. First up we'll be heading over to the backstage area of the Admiralspalast in Berlin during rehearsals of 'The Producers', Mel Brooks' famous musical, which features tap-dancing storm troopers and a camp Hitler singing "Heil Myself". Since touring London, New York and everywhere else in Europe while managing to skirt the edges of Germany, it's finally landed in the Teutonic capital - an historic event that's got the German media buzzing. I just can't wait to meet Hitler, who'll be accompanied by his side-kick, The Chrysler Building, which is apparently played by one of Berlin's most famous drag queens.
Then we're off on Wednesday to see legendary cabaret show 'Stars In Concert', with Europe's most talented celebrity impersonators. There, I'll have the pleasure of eating a burger with Elvis, having a cry with showgirl Bette Midler (remember that iconic movie 'Beaches'?), and knocking back a few Jägermeister shots with Dusty Springfield. I think we'll find it takes a lot of talent to be a dead star, and ever more to play one that's still alive. Unfortunately Tina Turner can't make it (I was hoping to dish up some dirt on Ike) but there is no doubt it will be a revealing celebrity moment.
And on Friday I'll be joining the legions of adorable swines in the press pit (minus the flu, I hope) at the red carpet, for the Berlin Premiere of 'The Producers', where we will hope to lure the show's creator Mel Brooks to our own little red carpet with free gin cocktails and Douche-style giveaways.
It's going to be an exciting, celebrity-packed week! To this day I never thought I would secure interviews with such illustrious guests, with such impressionable resumes!
Hello Dears, Well, one can't visit London without popping into Claridges for a spot of tea or a Bellini. And so it was on Saturday at around midday, that I found myself seated in a pleasingly strategic spot in the corner of the grand reading room.
Certainly the medication I am currently prescribed to gave new meaning to the meaning of 'High Tea', but in no way did it interfere with my skills at scoping out the room for a suitably attired wealthy gentleman or Russian Oligarch. Keep an eye out - this is what the average 'Oligarch' often looks like
The service was impeccable, as one would expect, and for that we can only thank the growing numbers of new Eastern European EU states, for providing a plethora of fresh-faced young waiters happy for the privilege of being paid a pittance. Unfortunately, the tea leaves in my Early Grey did not predict an encounter with a worthy and solvent future husband or aging celebrity, but I did make some new friends, such as John the charming lift attendant, and James, the also charming porter.
I should add that the most impressive feature of the lift was the three metre long chaise-lounge installed inside it, just in case your weary legs tire somewhere on the way up to you 3rd floor suite. And John was happy to let me in on a secret, which you won't find in any budget traveller blog or Guardian newspaper - for those on a more modest budget, the lift itself can be rented for a night, at a very affordable price. The only drawback of course is having to spend a night with John, but he seemed a lovely chap and only too happy to have a chat.
To round off a convivial afternoon, James suggested I make use of one of Claridges' chauffeured cars, for the short journey to my next appointment. On offer - a Porsche, and this gleaming red Ferrari. I find it always so difficult to choose between the two, but from my recent whirlwind trip through Germany I've discovered for myself that the Germans really do machines better. Take care and until next, Yours, Dana Douche
Who is this man, you might ask? Well, he's got to be Europe's most eligible bachelor. And here at 'Studio Douche' we're tracking this little Eurotreasure's every move!
His name is Nunzio La Vecchia, and he's everything a man should be - millionaire, racing car driver, entrepeneur, scientist AND aviator. But his talents don't end there - he's also a POP Star. NOT kidding!
Watch him swooning in his latest video 'Nightshift' from the album appropriately titled 'Club Soda'. Gosh, I wouldn't mind sharing a club soda (and double Bombay Sapphire) with him some time!
As 2 Unlimited very succinctly put it - 'There's NO limits!'
My 'Nordic Shopping' exploits have been featured in cyberspace at the Berliner Morgenpost, one of Berlin's better daily rags! Just go to: http://www.morgenpost.de/berlin/article1068483/29_Berliner_Halbmarathon.html and be sure to flick through the boringpics of joggers and embarrassing rollerblade mishaps until you reach me.
Say the words "DIRTY" and "DANCING" in the same sentence and you can't help but immediately visualise Patrick Swayze gliding on a dancefloor; muscles rippling with every move, his six-pack straining, and the adam's apple nearly popping out of his mouth as he swiftly lifts 'Baby' to a near impossible height. Simply magic!
It's always amazed me when looking back to this iconic piece of cinema, just how 'dirty' it was back then - it's nothing compared to the filth we see on a daily basis on our tv screens and various other electrical devices these days.
When I heard there was an opening Premiere night of the new Stage Show happening just around the corner from my inner city residence, it was too great an opportunity to miss. Of course I took centre stage on the red (or in this case - shocking 'pink') carpet, along with a deluge of D-List German celebrities, who were all given the dreadful task of proving they knew how to dance dirty - with a watermelon!
Well, I swear it's the truth - I had the TIME of my LIFE!
So anyway, I was out browsing the racks one day and I had a brain wave - imagine if you could shop non-stop, 24 hours, AND do a workout at the same time! If I wasn't so modest I'd call it genius - it's 'Nordic Shopping'.
Taking a leaf out of the geriatrics of this world who seem to very much like 'Nordic Walking' (it's using two sticks to support you while you stroll, invented by some 70 year old Scandinavian mountain climber), I've modified it for use in all consumer's favourite past-time, SHOPPING.
Why lope around the aisles, watching the bargains gets snatched in front of your eyes, when you can get an edge by using a sporty and stylish pair of sticks to strut and shop faster than anyone else? Why not shop AND lose some kilos at the SAME TIME?? After all, it's the only chance you've got to be able to squeeze your over-sized rear end into any of those slim-fit pant suits!
As it happened, I was lucky enough to be in the area where a group of Nordic Walkers had gathered to enter a race. It was my chance to show them a thing or two about Nordic Shopping, and test out my theory. And it was truly a workout. I bought Louis, Dolce, Max and Cerruti, and lost over 4 and a half kilos! Not kidding.
'Dana Douche' is a pill-popping, gin-swilling entertainment journalist host, offering up a spicy mix of candid interviews, red carpet mishaps, comic celebrity moments and off-beat event coverage. Forget strict journalistic standards - this is entertainment and lifestyle reporting with a twist, from the bold, the beautiful, to the downright hideous.
Stay tuned for exclusive video previews of her new TV show, 'Dana Douche - OUT NOW!'. Coming to all high-def, high-class plasma screens this summer!
